Queer Kink

The QK Guide To: Finding A Partner

So, you want to find a play partner, fuck buddy, a sweetheart, or a potential permanent mate, and you need them to be kinky?  Cool, you’ve just made it a whole lot harder to find a suitable date, but never fear the QK Guide to Getting A Date is here.

1. First, figure out what you want.  Do you want kink all of time?  Some of the time?  Just now and then?  Exactly what are your kinks?  Are you a dominant, a submissive, a switch, or a fetishist uninterested in D/s? What gender/s are you attracted to?  What kind of a relationship are you looking for?  What are some of your needs in a partner?  What are your kinks?  What are your limits?
2. Remember that if you’re looking for anything more than someone to play with a few times, you’re going to need to be more than sexually compatible, even if you’re looking for a 24/7 relationship you need to go out to dinner and get to know the other person as a person, to see if you click as people as well as dominant and submissive.  Generally, it’s even best to feel out potential casual play partners before asking for play, because kink requires more trust than other forms of sexual behavior.
3. Be realistic, being kept in a cage all the time and not holding a job is not realistic, and a dominant willing to do this to you is not a responsible or intelligent person.  You cannot live in kinkland 24/7 even if your relationship is 24/7, you will continue to do normal everyday things, like eating cereal and watching movies.  Involving yourself in BDSM does not magically transport you into the Story of O.
4. Approach people as you would in a vanilla context, throwing yourself at a dominant’s feet, or demanding people you don’t know get on their knees is generally frowned upon.  BDSM is not a good way to find an easy lay.
5. Now that we’ve got the “How not to be totally obnoxious” out of the way, there are a lot of places to look for kinky partners, local kink events (which you can find through websites like fetlife), fetish clubs (if you live in a big city there’s probably one in the area), websites (though a lot of these are filled with sucky wannabes), your friends within the community and even personal ads.  All safety rules still apply, meet new people in public places, don’t give out information about where you live and such before you establish trust, don’t let new people tie you up right off the bat, and so on.
6. Be patient, finding someone compatible is hard if you’re queer, and harder if you’re queer and kinky, but don’t worry, someone will come along.