Queer Kink

The QK Guide To: Breath Control Play

So, strangulation, suffocation, all of this stuff is breath control play.  All of this stuff is INCREDIBLY dangerous, and not just for the reasons you think.  Most of the deaths caused by erotic breath control situations are not caused by strangulation/suffocation itself, but of a massive heart attack about 15 to 20 minutes later, sometimes this can be the result of less than a minute of suffocation.  As well, over time lack of oxygen causes brain damage, and generally one wants to avoid that.  For these reasons, you actually shouldn’t actually cut off oxygen to the submissive.  

I repeat: DO NOT ACTUALLY STOP ANYONE FROM BREATHING.  DO NOT RESTRICT ANYONE’S ABILITY TO BREATHE.

For safe “strangulation” play put your hand above the hyoid bone (the adam’s apple), just under the jaw and press lightly upwards, the subject should be unable to vocalize as normal (though will usually still be able to talk, just not as loudly), but will still be able to breathe.  Make sure to communicate thoroughly during this sort of play with your partner, and make sure that they are still able to breath at all times. This is a nice way to give the feeling of vulnerability associated with strangling, and enjoy the power dynamic involved without having to do anything dangerous.  Do not EVER put pressure on the hyoid bone as it’s delicate and breaking it results in death.  As well the pressure should be light, the windpipe is delicate, and easily crushed, and crushing it results in death, and you don’t want that.  Also do be careful not to put pressure on the carotid artery (which runs down the side of the neck) as putting pressure on the carotid can cut off oxygen to the brain, which can cause unconsciousness, cardiac arrest and death, so yeah watch out for that.

Similarly, putting a submissive in a position where the dominant is in control of their oxygen intake, but does not actually remove their access to it can be a way to play with this as well, but requires great care.  For example, a rubber mask with a tube for oxygen access can be worn by the submissive, putting the dominant in a position where, were they to squeeze the hose shut, the submissive would be left unable to breath, but of course the dominant does not do so. This also requires clear communication during play, make sure a safety gesture is established, and watch for it closely.

Do not EVER put a cord around someone’s throat, it’s too hard to control, and too hard to gauge pressure applied.

There is simply no safe way to actually cut off oxygen to a human being, so don’t do it.  Really, the appeal of breath play is not actually the cutting off of oxygen, but the feeling of vulnerability, and that can be achieved without actually taking away the ability to breath.

I know some of you out there are going to insist on cutting off someone’s oxygen anyway, and normally I’d give you tips on how to do it as safely as possible if you absolutely must do it… but there’s no way to do this safely, or even any more safely.  So, generally, I beg of you, don’t do this.  It’s not safe.

An excellent article by an EMT on the subject

Another Nice Article On The Subject

Play safe out there.

The QK Rules For Being A Good Kinkster

So, recently I’ve been hearing a lot of debate on SSC/RACK and what defines “safe” and how to deal with people in the scene who’s doing things that are unsafe.  Here are my rules for being a good kinkster.

1. A good kinkster knows how to use their tools and minimizes risk as much as they can while still doing whatever activity it is they want. E.G. They get someone to teach them how to properly use a bull whip before using a bullwhip and get in enough practice.  
2.  A good kinkster is aware of the risks in whatever the activity they’re involved in and don’t down play them to new partners. E.G. They warn people about the potential effects of electrical play above the waist, and do not minimize the risk involved. 
3.  A good kinkster never does anything truly non-consensual, and they stick within the pre-negotiated terms. E.G. They don’t dress up as a clown when their partner says clowns are a hard limit. 
4. A good kinkster cares about the emotional and physical well being of their partner more than they care about getting off. E.G. If someone is in distress they will end the scene and provide appropriate care.

By following these rules you’re far less likely to hurt someone seriously, or be an utter douchebag.  Follow the damn rules kids.

The QK Guide To: Wax Play

All you little pyros out there like fire, right?  Yeah, but I’m assuming your partner prooobably doesn’t want to be burned at the stake, no matter how hot it would be (I apologize for that pun).

So, what’s a fire loving sadist to do?  The obvious answer, wax play.  Wax play is the practice of dripping hot/warm candle wax over a submissive’s body.  It produces intense sensations during the application itself, and after the removal of the wax, the skin is hyper sensitive and responds beautifully to many forms of stimulation.  Obviously, this is a practice that requires some care to avoid burns to the submissive (and you don’t want to burn your submissive, it’s a risky injury and often very bad painful) so here’s how to do it properly:

1.  Get the right materials: Think carefully about the candles you’re going to buy.  You don’t want bee’s wax candles, or firm pillar/taper candles, beeswax burns very hot, and pillar and taper candles have hardening additives that make them burn hotter.  You should also avoid a lot of scented/colored candles not designed to be used on the body, because they contain chemicals that aren’t designed for contact with human skin and will produce irritation.  Ideally, your candles should be paraffin or soy based candles, come in little tins (votive style candles are good) and either unscented and colorless, or designed for human skin.  You should not use candles with metal flakes for sparkle, or too many chemical additives as they can increase the heat of the candle and cause burns.  Parraffin wax burns at a relatively low tempature 115 to 145 degrees) Soy wax burns slightly hotter (120 to 150 degrees) but that’s fine.    Don’t use candles manufactured outside the U.S. (because they may contain… awful things) don’t use gel candles, don’t use animal fat candles.  Ask your submissive about allergies and look carefully at the ingredients in candles

2.  Prepare the area:   Wax makes an effing mess when scraped off, and it’s hard to get out of linens.  So for your adventure with wax, you’ll want to put down a drop cloth, plastic sheeting, or a tarp, generally it’s also best done on a table rather than a bed (less combustable).  You should also have a cool cloth on hand to cool the skin in case of burns, and you really shouldn’t generally gag your submissive during wax play, as it’s a very communication based activity.   Remove any notable flammable materials (no big stacks of newspapers and what not).  It’s good to have a fire extinguisher handy, and make sure to have something on which to wipe your hands should they get sticky.

3. Prepare yourselves: If your submissive is hairy you might want to have them shave the area where wax is to be applied (to avoid ouchies during removal… unless you’re into that sort of thing) or if you prefer them hairy apply a little oil to the area where wax is to be applied, I recommend jojoba oil myself, as it’s very natural and absorbs well into the skin, and is unlikely to cause breakouts.  Don’t wear clothing you care about (this would be a good time for everybody to be naked, or to wear those thrift shop finds you bought to cut off your sub).  Also don’t wear products that contain alcohol (body sprays, certain hair products) and you both should tie back long hair for obvious reasons.

4. Take your damn time: Wax play is not an activity to rush, apply a layer of wax, let that cool, apply another layer, so on.  Make sure you’re not putting very hot wax over still pretty hot wax, or you can risk insulating the heat too much and injuring the sub.  You can vary the height from which you drip wax, the higher up the cooler, the lower down the hotter (so be careful), you’ll also want to be particularly careful on sensitive areas (genitals anyone?).  Give the sub time to react to each drip, and so on.

5.  Remove it right: There are several ways to remove wax from skin, but it’s usually best to start by hardening it up with a ice cube (it provides a nice dual sensation too), after that you can pick it off… or more efficiently (and erotically in my mind) use a tool to scrape it off.  You can use a blunt (not dull, blunt) knife, like a letter opener, a palette knife or certain Athames (I have the Spider Athame from amazon which I use for knife play).  You can also use a plastic scrapey tools, though those aren’t as sexy if you ask me.  You can get the last little bits with a loofa or bath scrubby.  To get wax out of hair, a flea comb or teasing comb is generally the best method (but generally you don’t want to get wax in hair).  Some dom/mes use a whip or flogger to remove wax, though I find this method inferior for two reasons, firstly, it’s messy, wax gets everywhere and secondly, you get wax all over your flogger (and floggers aint’ cheap) and it’s not easy to get out once it’s there.

6. Have fun.

Here are some reccomended candles on EdenFantasys (these are mostly very low burn candles):

Other resources:

BDSM Wax play: Candle makers

Wax Play: Another in depth article on wax play

Erotic Sensations: Sellers of specialized wax play candles.

Silent Vampire Online Crypt: A place with a very silly name that sells BDSM goods.

Safety First

So, BDSM can be dangerous, as you are probably (hopefully) aware.  Dealing with safety is one of the major differences between real life play and erotic fantasy, fetish pornography.  Safety is obviously not an issue when you’re just masturbating, but once you start doing these things in real life it instantly becomes a very big deal.  Now I could direct you to one of the many fine safety guides online, but I’ll just write one myself for the sake of having one.  Also, this stuff?  These are the rules, the hard and fast “don’t you dare fucking ignore them” rules.  Okay, got that?  You’d better or someone could get seriously injured or even die, and that would be bad.  Most of this is written from a dominant point of view, because largely the dominants are the ones dealing with this stuff.  However, as a submissive one shouldn’t feel guilty bringing these concerns up should they notice a dominant doing something unsafe.

• Safe words: If you want to do anything involving “play rape” or consensual non-consent of any sort, you will need one of these.  Actually, just having one is a good idea, because your safe word means “I really really seriously need you to stop RIGHT NOW” the safe word should end the activity and take you straight to aftercare, you can also have a separate one for “There’s something hurting me/my cuffs are becoming uncomfortable/my knees are sore/I’m not having fun, can we pause and adjust things?” which pauses the scene so that the sub can voice their concern (however bratty subs may use this to top from the bottom, so although having the STOP RIGHT NOW safeword is non-optional, the “my jaw hurts” safe word is)  For a gagged submissive having a safety signal is a good option (I find that the raised middle finger is memorable, but if you’re topping you really do have to watch for it)

• Face Slapping: Don’t do it, ever.  It can cause detached retinas, brain damage, broken bones, broken necks, and lots of other nasty things.  (Source, it does teach you how to do a safer version of face slapping, but it’s an edgeplay activity at best, and one I strongly discourage you from participating in)

• Spanking/flogging: ah, the old stand by, most classic of all BDSM activities.  The thing about spanking is you should limit it to “squishy” parts, the buttocks, back of the thighs, and a woman’s breasts (also the soles of the feet).  Stay away from a sub’s back, (especially the delicate lower back, and kidneys), joints, obviously face and neck, and if they are in a bent over position avoid the backs of the thighs as the extended muscle is more vulnerable.

• Whips: First of all when talking about whips I’m talking about long single tail whips, like a bullwhip, snakewhip or signal whip, I am not talking about a shorter multi-tailed flogger.  To clear up the difference.  This is a whip and this is a flogger, see the difference?  Single tail whips are hard to use, potentially dangerous toys, however they’re also really fucking fun and can be safe if their user knows what they’re doing.  In order to learn to use a single tail (especially long whips, like a bullwhip) you should take a class with someone experienced in their use, and then practice like crazy.  I am not experienced in their use myself and I would recommend researching their use yourself.

• Bondage (general): Bondage is a very common fantasy, and quite hot, however it also has a lot of potential to go horribly wrong.  Some potential problems that might arise include: injuries from being bound in a stressful position, loss of circulation from bonds that are too tight, choking, falling, strangulation, and anything bad that could potentially befall a helpless person.  So, the first rule of bondage is NEVER NEVER NEVER (and I cannot stress this enough) leave a bound person unattended.  If they are not gagged you may leave the room, but stay close by.  If they are gagged keep them in your line of sight at all times. (they don’t have to be able to see you, but you should be able to see them).  Second rule of bondage is some positions are stressful to the body and can result in serious injury if left too long, if they start to become uncomfortable release them.  Also, do not bind a submissive too tightly for any significant length of time, bonds or ropes cutting into flesh can cause loss of circulation and if left too long can result in amputations… if you notice limbs turning pink, or purple undo the bonds immediately, if you notice them becoming blue release them immediately and call 911.

• Handcuffs: Police style handcuffs are an excellent bondage toy for beginners, simple to use, relatively hard to screw up.  Obviously there are a few tips I want to share, first and most importantly, buy decent cuffs.  A good set of handcuffs has a “double locking” mechanism which means that once locked they won’t get tighter, “Single lock” handcuffs have the potential to tighten around the wrist when locked increasing the risk of loss of circulation.  Second of all, don’t use them in a potentially stressful position, you do not want metal digging into wrists, it’s potentially to chafe and cause injury is too great.  For more stressful positions I recommend lined bondage cuffs, they’re a bit more expensive but well worth it. Vonka and I use Smith and Wesson double locking police issue handcuffs for our handcuffs.  The cuffs we use at The Handcuff Warehouse (excellent cuffs, nice workmanship).

• Bondage Restraints: Usually made of leather, or faux-leather and often lined with sheepskin, or polar fleece, these restraints are the safest and hardest to fuck up with (if you use them in a sane manner, just because they’re safe doesn’t mean you can hang someone from the ceiling by their wrists for three hours and not expect a dislocated shoulder)  Some of them are lockable, some of them aren’t.  If you’re a new user I recommend the non-locking cuffs and simply keeping the submissives hands apart, so that you can easily release them as needed.  These are used with tethers to allow them to be attached to various things.  Make sure you get a pair with buckles and not snaps, because seriously?  Snaps?  Also although fleece lined cuffs are a bit more expensive I recommend them because leather (or PVC) often chafes. Lined cuffs are a bit more expensive, but worth it.  Lined bondage cuffs  Vegan Cuffs (unlined unfortunately)

• Rope Bondage: Not for beginners, especially not shibari.  Before you try rope bondage read a book on it, better yet take a class.  It’s harder to quickly release than other forms and so if you screw up you’ll lose valuable time getter them out of it (and those medical scissors everyone else tells you to have to get a sub out of it… useless in most cases).  Also, use the right kind of rope, don’t use nylon rope, don’t use the seemingly nonthreatening silk rope, and don’t for god’s sake use pantyhose or stockings.  The reason for this is all of these types of rope are slick and prone to tightening, increasing risk of loss of circulation and making them harder to untie.  You want a nice soft cotton rope, 1/4th to 5/16th of an inch in diameter (note: cotton rope must be worn in before it will hold a knot easily).  Also don’t put a rope around your submissive’s neck, just seriously… don’t.

• Breath Play: Restricting a submissive’s air flow can be hot, however it’s also pretty obviously potentially hazardous.  The safest way to do breath play is with a hand (easy to release in case something goes wrong) up at the top of the throat above the hyoid bone (or adam’s apple) just under the jaw, if you press correctly the submissive will still be able to get enough oxygen but will be unable to speak and will feel the restriction.  Never press on the hyoid bone (again, this is commonly called the Adam’s apple) as it’s a fragile bone and breaking it results in death, so yes, don’t do that.

• Insertions: This should be obvious, but based on emergency room visit statistics it’s not.  Do not insert things into the vagina or anus that are not intended to go there, especially not hollow glass things, but also vegetables, pens, anything sharp, or rough, anything breakable.  Really, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?  Don’t insert things into the anus without plenty of lube, and all anal toys should have a flared base to prevent it from… er… getting lost.  Also, don’t have unprotected anal sex, ever, no matter how monogamous you are put a goddamn condom on before you stick your cock in there, because… I really shouldn’t have to explain that, basically, you don’t want a urinary tract infection.  As well, after giving anal penetration do not go right into penetrating some other orifice.  Wash your hands, change condoms, wash your hands again and then you can penetrate another orifice (this applies to toys as well as cocks).  I personally don’t enjoy anal, but based on extensive research I know my stuff.

• Hair Pulling: Not actually that risky in terms of physical health, but doing this wrong is painful and over time can result in tension alopecia (bald spots from yanking).  If giving a quick yank, grip hair close to the scalp and take a large handfull, yank and quickly release.  If you intended to use it more as control then for pain, gather as much of the hair as possible at the middle of the back of the head, hold close to the head without putting tension on the hair, tug quite lightly in the direction you want the submissive to go.  The aim is not to drag them, but to steer them.

• Wax play: Use paraffin candles, not beeswax as beeswax is too hot and tends to cause lasting burns.  Many people used to believe that scent or coloring agents made candles burn hotter, it is now known this is untrue.  The heat of the wax varies based on how far it is held from the skin (higher above means it will have cooled more when it reaches the skin)   Be careful on sensitive areas, and test the wax on your inner wrist before beginning.  If you do burn the skin, remove the wax immediately and run the burn under cool water for 15-20 minutes

• Aftercare: This is an important one, and if you do anything that gets at all intense, you need to do this.  It’s time after play where you give tenderness, emotional support, and cuddles (sometimes there may also be vanilla sexual activity).  In the case of rougher scenes food and hydration may also be an important part as all parties may be crashing after an adrenaline high.

• Before you start with a new play partner, have a serious discussion of likes and dislikes from both parties.  Different dominants have different styles, different submissives have different styles.  Don’t expect them to just know what you want, talk about it.  It’s also important to discuss limits, past traumas, and things of that nature.

• Other stuff you shouldn’t do without proper training: Branding, piercing, play piercing, cutting, tattooing, electrical play, fire play (actually this one is always risky), facesitting, smothering, and plenty of other things.

In closing, play safe, and also remember that just because I didn’t include something on the list doesn’t mean it’s necessarily safe, nor does this list make you %100 safe in any of your practices, nor does this list cover all possible complications resulting from BDSM activity.  Do your research when trying out new things, and apply common sense.