Queer Kink

Queen Titania’s Guide To: Sensory Deprivation Play

Hello everyone let me introduce myself: I am Queen Titania, a gender fluid dominatrix. I am coming to you today to talk about one of my favorite activities. Sensory deprivation is the most unadulterated fun I can have in a session, and I hope I can give everyone a few ideas on how to have fun with it and then help put a dehumanization twist on it!

Sensory deprivation presents an extremely unique opportunity: the chance to instill fear in a bottom, slave or submissive without putting them in any actual danger. Successful sensory deprivation play is defined by theatrics and mental manipulation rather than physical pain or predicaments. In this one sided psychological warfare there is also an added element that few take advantage of, the ability to indulge in intense dehumanization scenes. Let us first introduce the basics of sensory deprivation before we indulge in those possibilities.

Terminology also becomes important as words like “it” and “thing” convey a sense of genderless objectification that can be very powerful, especially with the mindset this play creates. It can be taken in a different direction with the use of animal names; doggy, kitty, Fido, pig, ostrich, panda, etc. Knowing your partner is important here. If they have a major fetish for objectification, robot play, drone play or feeling like a “thing” you may want to go towards animal names, and vice versa. Why? Well, if turn them on and make them feel more like themselves that is hardly dehumanizing! However, worrying about such a minor detail is a bit silly unless you are completely serious about delivering the most dehumanizing mind fuck possible. Concern yourself more with choice insults and humiliating taunts to follow up your choice of terminology and remind the subject they are below you. Of course, you could also use silence. Whether or not you have chosen to take away the submissive’s hearing silence is powerful. A person is used to being talked to. They get uncomfortable when they feel they are being ignored.

Queering Forced Feminization (Trigger Wanring for discussion of homophobia, transphobia, misogyny and anti-femme bullshit)

Before we go any further let’s define forced feminization.  Forced feminization is a type of play in which the dominant “forces” the submissive to act/dress/appear in a traditionally “feminine” manner.  This can include wearing “female” clothing, the application of makeup, the use of a “feminine” name, the removal/concealment of things associated with masculinity (“forced” depilation) and training on “feminine” subjects, for example a dominant might force a submissive to learn to walk in high heels.  This form of play can involve dominants and submissives of any combination of genders, sexes, and usual level of butch and/or femme-ness, with the goal of having the submissive be more “femme” by the end of the scene than at the start of the scene.

Sometimes it can also include play involving the sex of the submissive.  This is usually but not always “forcing” a non-female identified submissive to imitate body characteristics traditionally associated with femaleness, such as tucking back the penis should the submissive have one, or the use of breast forms on the submissive.

Forced feminization is a complicated kink, and a mine-field of anti-femme bullshit, transphobic bullshit, misogynistic bullshit, and homophobic bullshit… but despite some of the more unfortunate implications it can have it’s a popular fantasy and can actually be really progressive and obviously can be a fun way to blend gender play with BDSM.  It’s important to remember that gender play isn’t just for straight and/or cis people.  In some ways being comfortable enough with our gender to break out of our gender role, to play with it sexually, to present and perform in unexpected ways can be (for people who enjoy it and are comfortable with it) a really freeing experience.  If a trans woman gets off on strapping it on it doesn’t make her less of a woman, if a trans man gets off on wearing panties it doesn’t make him less of a man, if a non-binary person gets off on wearing attire very associated with a binary gender it doesn’t make them less non-binary.  Of course for a lot of people this is a delicate area of play, being misgendered and dealing with people’s shitty attitudes can make the use of gender in play tricky at best, and turn forced feminization into a nightmare rather than a fantasy.  For other people playing with gender can be a way to reclaim parts of the self, work through aspects of one’s gender, and/or deal with painful experiences surrounding gender.

So, now let’s talk about how all this can interact with social structures, misogyny and the rest.

On the one hand you can think of forced feminization as based around the idea that femininity is inferior, or somehow inherently degrading.  Well, personally I say enough of that second wave noise.  Despite the fact that one can interpret forced feminization as a way of reenforcing the “masculinity = dominance/activity” and “femininity = submission/passivity” paradigm or interpret it as a statement about how either femininity is humiliating, or being a non-woman in “women’s” clothing is humiliating, I would say those are over simplifications.  Which is not to say there aren’t people who use this as a shitty passive aggressive way to enforce exactly those things, but those aren’t the only ways to interpret it.

In a more progressive and positive light one could say forced feminization play for some people, can be a form of forced bravery play, or forced honesty play, with a submissive who due to internalized misogyny and anti-femme messages from the larger culture has suppressed whatever femme qualities they happen to have.

Being “forced” to wear the heels you secretly want to wear anyway can be a really great way for a submissive to learn to accept that they want to wear heels.

I’m genderqueer/genderfluid, I don’t always feel female, but I’m always very femme.  I’m also actively involved in feminism and have been interested in it since I was a child.  Being female assigned at birth I’ve dealt with shame and discomfort surrounding my femme-ness, both in terms of my gender identity and in terms of my politics.

I grew up in the nineties, a time when “girl power” reigned supreme, and I was told I was weak and too “girly” because I preferred playing barbies to playing soccer and because I preferred skirts and (later) heels to jeans and sneakers, and it took me a really long time to realize that belief in equality and the rights of women were not inherently opposed to my liking lipstick.  I remember actually having an argument about cosmetics with a writing teacher of mine, and similar arguments about fashion and so on with other teachers.  No one ever told me my femininity didn’t automatically disqualify me from viewing myself as a feminist (with the exception of my parents).

Later as I hit puberty I realized I wasn’t straight, which was another problem for me navigating my natural tendency to be feminine in society.  I was sick of being invisible as a dyke, and sick of being seen as hopping on the homosexuality bandwagon (back then I identified as bisexual, and then pansexual… though technically neither made sense as a label for me) and so I desperately tried to butch it up, I cut off my hair (something I honestly really didn’t want to do) and dressed differently.  Shortly thereafter I began to realize that I wasn’t entirely female, but that I still didn’t feel butch.  I longed to be androgynous in makeup.  I went through intense periods of dysphoria, and yet no one would listen to me about my gender identity because it wasn’t wholly male, and because I wore about five pounds of makeup all the time.  

It took me a lot of time to deal with the idea that my femininity, my flamboyance, and my love of makeup invalidated my gender, my sexuality, and my politics, and to allow myself to be who I really am deep down.

Not only all this, but being femme, especially as flamboyantly femme as I personally am wont to be, attracts attention.  It makes one a target for sexual comments (especially from men) more than “butch” attire, it leads to being stereotyped in certain ways more than more neutral attire, and on people who are read as male it often draws derision and insult.

Basically, because of a stew of societal hang ups, it takes courage to put on that lipstick and slide into that dress because of what people might think of us.  Having someone force us into the dress and lipstick can be pleasurable because it takes the responsibility off us for a moment, as well giving us (in a strange way) the sense that what we’re doing is ok.

Forced feminization can be an outlet for that repressed femme part of our personality, or a way of helping a sub develop the courage to be their whole self, a reminder that femininity doesn’t invalidate any other part of their identity, or even a way of “humiliating” a sub for their lack of self acceptance, and enforcing the importance of having the courage to be themselves.

The part that’s a little harder to navigate in a positive way is when body parts get involved (E.G. where boobs are suddenly a part of feminization, or not having a cock is a requirement) or when it involves actually misgendering someone (E.G. intentionally using the wrong pronouns for erotic effect).  In terms of the first element it can be a way of again doing something the submissive wants to do (have boobs, or not have a cock, etc) but doesn’t have the courage to do themselves without someone pushing.  In terms of actual misgendering, I think that can be chalked up to eroticized fear.   Sometimes it can be oddly comforting to hear what one fears hearing most in a safe and controlled environment, being misgendered is something very unpleasant to experience so hearing it in a safe environment can in an odd way lessen the impact (for some people) when/if it actually happens and lessen the sense of dread it causes.

Of course there’s also the option of “forcing” someone to be the gender thet feel themselves to actually be, which again brings up the “force” as way to supplement courage, and way to reduce fear of social stigma.

Obviously no one should be actually shamed for being closeted or having discomfort surrounding their identity, but being pushed towards self acceptance in a D/s context can be very valuable.

In essence forced feminization can mean a lot of things, it really depends on how one looks at it. 

Menage Au Trois: Some Roleplay Ideas For Three

Now, this isn’t a poly focused blog, it’s poly friendly, but it’s not generally a blog about poly. I’m not poly (my partner and I are sexually open, but we don’t have other relationships) and so don’t feel qualified to write about it generally, however having had a reasonable amount of experience with menage au trois (or more) I decided to come up with a list of roleplay dynamics for three people (largely these will be gender neutral)

1. Teacher/good student/bad student: The teacher can punish the bad student with the help of the good student, or the bad student can “abuse” the good student raising the ire of the teacher.
2. Puppeteer/Marionettes (or director/actors): The puppeteer can force the marionettes into lewd acts together, manipulating as they wish.
3. Nanny(or parental figure)/little/toy: The nanny can “give” a player as a toy to a partner playing the part of the little, the resulting exuberant energy and play make for an interesting dynamic.
4. Royalty and servant: two dominants take the role of royals and the third party takes the role of servant, the two dominants can both make conflicting orders for a fun mind fuck or simply take terms castigating the “ill behaved” servant.
5. Slave Trader/Slave/Potential Buyer: The slave trader can show the submissive off, putting them through their paces, and the buyer can put them through a humiliating “inspection” type process
6. Rockstar/manager/groupie: The rockstar can laise around being irresponsible/ordering about the manager, while the manager delivers the groupie to the rockstar and has to order the groupie about/gives the groupie orders to better please the rockstar.
7. Animal/Animal groom/Animal’s Owner: The groom is put in charge of the “animal’s” maintenance, making sure the animal stays where its supposed to/looks neat and tidy/is fed at the risk of punishment by the owner.  The groom can be given authority to punish the animal, or the owner can be over protective and dote upon the animal and not allow the groom to punish it.  The animal of course can behave in a difficult manner and make life hard for the groom.
8. Dungeon Owner/”victim”/Ghost: In this scenario the dungeon owner is torturing a helpless victim, but there’s a “ghost” in the dungeon.  The dungeon owner and the victim pretend they cannot see the ghost, and the ghost can do whatever it likes, helping the victim, by perhaps untying their bonds, or hiding toys from the dungeon owner, or cause the victim pain, by doing things like insulting the dungeon owner, thus encouraging them to inflict more pain upon the “victim”
9. Doctor/Nurse/Patient: A kinky doctor and nurse preform a variety of evil procedures upon a reluctant patient.  The nurse obviously assists the doctor in doing whatever the doctor wants.
10. Aliens Probing a victim: Aliens from outer space conduct research upon a subject.
11. Doll/Dollmaker/Customer: The doll is almost finished however the customer has some custom specifications they want on their toy, the doll maker enacts these upon the doll.  You might do tight lacing, temporary or permanent piercings, or similar modifications for the purpose of play.
12. Criminal/Hostage/Hero: The scene starts with the criminal molesting the hostage, this can go on as long as the players should like, but then the hero bursts in with a toy weapon, the hero over powers the criminal… and then the hero and the hostage take sweet (kinky) revenge upon the criminal.
13. Loving couple/Pet: The couple will participate in normal couple-y activities, and of course pet ownership activities “lets take Rover out for a jog” and so on.
14. Victorian couple/Servant: In the Victorian couple one person will play the higher status “husband” type role, and the other will play the lower status “wife” type role (neither of these roles is of fixed gender) while the third party plays a servant, the “husband” can order around the wife and the servant, but mostly just orders around the “wife”, the “wife” will then take it upon themselves to order the servant to preform the duties the husband wants done, with the “wife” with authority to punish the servant for disobedience, and the “husband” with authority to punish the “wife”
15. Pimp/prostitute/client: Pretty self explanatory.

On Risk and The Previous Post

The last post here got a big response, a lot of people were upset over me “telling them how to have sex” and someone pointed out “there’s also no safe way to go sky diving” and someone else said “they’re really sick of female dominants being demonized” (I’m not really sure what the last one had to do with anything considering in no way did I mention female dominants, and being the sub of a female dominant… well I’d be the last to demonize female dominants) but anyway, the point is, that I’m not trying to demonize, control, or shunt others into a corner.

I talk to you folks (you being the readers of this blog) like friends, hell I regard you as friends because… well you’re my fellow kinky queers and I love you folks, and although I fully understand it’s your right as adults to do whatever you like with other consenting adults, I would be sad if any of you died (actually I’m basically sad when anyone dies) and so yes, I will tell you that it is my recommendation that no one’s air supply be cut off because it’s riskier than I’m comfortable with.  I’m also going to recommend generally against sky diving, drag racing, bungee jumping, alligator wrestling, mushroom hunting, drinking milk you can’t find an expiration date on, and eating at McDonalds.  Ultimately, these things are up to you, and it’s your decision whether you want to do them, and if you choose to do them I’m not going to judge you or love you any less, but you folks are my buddies, my pals, my super awesome secret society of awesome, and so, perhaps selfishly I don’t want any of you bungee jumping because I’d be vastly upset were something to happen to any of you.

Now, in the end as long as its between consenting adults aware of the risks involved I believe it’s perfectly moral and acceptable, but I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t have a slight bias towards “be on the safe side because I love you guys” so, yes, practice RACK (risk aware consensual kink) and rock on with yo’ bad selves… and take good care of yourselves because I’ll be sad if you don’t.

The QK Guide To: Breath Control Play

So, strangulation, suffocation, all of this stuff is breath control play.  All of this stuff is INCREDIBLY dangerous, and not just for the reasons you think.  Most of the deaths caused by erotic breath control situations are not caused by strangulation/suffocation itself, but of a massive heart attack about 15 to 20 minutes later, sometimes this can be the result of less than a minute of suffocation.  As well, over time lack of oxygen causes brain damage, and generally one wants to avoid that.  For these reasons, you actually shouldn’t actually cut off oxygen to the submissive.  

I repeat: DO NOT ACTUALLY STOP ANYONE FROM BREATHING.  DO NOT RESTRICT ANYONE’S ABILITY TO BREATHE.

For safe “strangulation” play put your hand above the hyoid bone (the adam’s apple), just under the jaw and press lightly upwards, the subject should be unable to vocalize as normal (though will usually still be able to talk, just not as loudly), but will still be able to breathe.  Make sure to communicate thoroughly during this sort of play with your partner, and make sure that they are still able to breath at all times. This is a nice way to give the feeling of vulnerability associated with strangling, and enjoy the power dynamic involved without having to do anything dangerous.  Do not EVER put pressure on the hyoid bone as it’s delicate and breaking it results in death.  As well the pressure should be light, the windpipe is delicate, and easily crushed, and crushing it results in death, and you don’t want that.  Also do be careful not to put pressure on the carotid artery (which runs down the side of the neck) as putting pressure on the carotid can cut off oxygen to the brain, which can cause unconsciousness, cardiac arrest and death, so yeah watch out for that.

Similarly, putting a submissive in a position where the dominant is in control of their oxygen intake, but does not actually remove their access to it can be a way to play with this as well, but requires great care.  For example, a rubber mask with a tube for oxygen access can be worn by the submissive, putting the dominant in a position where, were they to squeeze the hose shut, the submissive would be left unable to breath, but of course the dominant does not do so. This also requires clear communication during play, make sure a safety gesture is established, and watch for it closely.

Do not EVER put a cord around someone’s throat, it’s too hard to control, and too hard to gauge pressure applied.

There is simply no safe way to actually cut off oxygen to a human being, so don’t do it.  Really, the appeal of breath play is not actually the cutting off of oxygen, but the feeling of vulnerability, and that can be achieved without actually taking away the ability to breath.

I know some of you out there are going to insist on cutting off someone’s oxygen anyway, and normally I’d give you tips on how to do it as safely as possible if you absolutely must do it… but there’s no way to do this safely, or even any more safely.  So, generally, I beg of you, don’t do this.  It’s not safe.

An excellent article by an EMT on the subject

Another Nice Article On The Subject

Play safe out there.

Violet Wands For Less

Violet Wands for skin care are a lot cheaper than ones intended for BDSM, just look up “High Frequency skin care” and you’ll find a bunch around $100-$200 instead of the $300-800 one would pay for one intended for kink.  It’s the same damn thing. Although not as pretty as the kink based sets, this is quite a savings.

High Frequency Unit

Another

The QK Guide To: Electrical Play

Now, electricity is dangerous, it can cause burns, death, and lots of other nasty things, but when used properly with the right tools electricity can be sizzling hot.  Now there are plenty of different toys for electrical play, and I’m going to tell you all about them.

The Toys:

• Violet Wands: Originally a medical device these are a versatile toy based in static electricity that employs tesla current, which is a heat creating current.  It can cause burns if used in certain ways, which can be done intentionally but should only be used for this purpose by an experienced user.  Depending on the probe and the intensity setting it can go from mild tingle to “Holy mother of god, OW.”  The smaller the probe the more intense the flow of current.  The violet wand is the only electro-toy considered safe for use above the waist.  Interestingly they can also be used with a wide probe on low intensity on the face to combat acne.
• TENS Units: These are medical units, they produce a variable amount of current and are battery powered.  Don’t use it above the waist.
• Eros Tek Toys: These are like TENS units but with bells and whistles, variable stimulation patterns, and attachments including the ability to create your own patterns using voice or music.
• Extreme Restraints: Suppliers of various BDSM e-stim toys, definitely a fairly nice selection.
• Electra-Stim: Another BDSM e-stim supplier.
• Sextek: Suppliers of Eros Tek boxes and lots of fun attachments.
• Attachments: A lot of the BDSM specific e-stim units have a variety of attachments you can buy, look carefully at the materials before buying insertables (materials discussed here) always buy toys made from nice safe materials and only use attachments designed to be used with your particular e-stim box.

General Safety Tips:

1. Read the damned manuel, read it thoroughly and listen to it.
2. Watch out for body piercings and metal in the body.  If your honey has a metal plate in their leg, for goodness sake, don’t zap that leg.  Don’t zap piercings or near piercings, because you will likely hurt someone.
3. Unless otherwise noted in the description of the toy, or specifically stated by the manufacturer, these are not to be used above the waist, hearts are delicate things and you DO NOT want to fuck shit up there.
4. People with pacemakers or heart problems, and pregnant people are not good candidates for this type of play.  
5. Unless otherwise noted by the manufacturer don’t get this stuff wet.  Cause yea.
6. Only insert attachments into the body designed for insertion into the body.  Yep, I had to say that.
7. Again, I cannot stress this enough, READ THE MANUEL.
8. Have first aid for burn care handy.